I feel the love every day; all the nice people out there offering me free stuff and concerned about my love life. Every morning, I get to sort through all the tempting offers that have accumulated in my in box like late-night snowfall.

But now, I’ve decided to become a hermit, a recluse, a scrooge. Enlarge my penis? Ba-humbug! Be friends with a Nigerian widower? That’s for the ghost of Marley, not me.

No, now my faith rests in Akismet. That little bit of golden code will tell me what’s good for me and what’s not. So, at the risk of mixing my metaphors like cheap booze, be good, for goodness’ sake.